Back in July, The Grills went to NYC for a Star Center theater trip. Rachel and I dropped our daughter Olivia off at her camp and what started as a dreary first day in Manhattan soon turned into a beautiful stroll around the city. We hopped on the subway to head downtown with the intention of getting off in the West Bank. Well, I missed our stop and we had to trek back north after getting off on Chambers Street.
I looked on my map app and saw we weren’t too far from the famous Ghostbusters fire station. So we moseyed on by to snap a photo. You know what else I saw on the map? Hamburger America. I had a new goal. The walk was right through the Lower Manhattan SOHO area, which was pretty cool. We found a great little place to rest our feet in Tribeca Park, watching the Pigeons and listening to the city sounds. We meandered around the area for hours, sitting in other cool parks, working up an appetite….until….
Finally, we arrived at Hamburger America. We stepped inside and were greeted with patrons sitting at the grill top watching burgers being smashed and griddled.
Drool ran down the cheeks of those waiting to place orders as they watched the lucky ones who’d already had burgers delivered stuff their faces. A middle aged woman happily greeted us and asked if we wanted to put our name in for grill-top seats. It would only be a few minutes, she told us. Just a few steps up from the grill-top seats were more small tables. But we wanted to really see how the sausage was made.
While we were waiting, Rachel went up to check out the merch and the rest of the restaurant. But just five minutes later we were seated at the grill top. We were happy to see that the same friendly woman who sat us was also our burger server.
The menu was simple, as it should be. And there was really no other option for me than to order the fried onion burger. Rachel, grabbed a side of fries and a slice of cake to share.
The burger server (man, I wish I remembered her name) was arguably the sweetest New Yorker I’ve met – just a real treat. We watched burgers being smashed and smashed and smashed and then the moment we’ve all been waiting for…We were served our burgers.
Simple, wrapped in wax paper, pickles on the side. Ope, hold on….the fries. Yeah , no. Not my cup of tea. But back to the burger – double patty, double cheese, lots of onions smashed in. I noticed the smasher would scrape the onions off if they were too soft and make sure they all got really charred up. The smell was great, the anticipation of the famous George Motz burger was even more.
My first words after biting into this burger (and they’d likely be yours, too) were, “Hey, that’s really good.” From me, that’s a real compliment. It was, in fact, a really good burger. Seasoned well, charred onions, good bun. It was delicious. Though, I was left, I don’t know, expecting more? Not really sure how else to put it. Maybe my expectations were too high? I dont want anyone to read this thinking the burger wasn’t good, it was….but I wasn’t blown away like i thought i was going to be? Let it be known, we had a very nice time. I admit, I didn’t grade it officially, but it would have gotten a high ranking. I gotta give it up to Mr Motz for doing what he has done to the burger community! Ok, back to our day. We settled up on our bill and left feeling pleased that we split the food so we could continue our venture around NYC.
Gainesville Burger Club has become a household name, and it’s pretty tough for our members to maintain anonymity in such a small town these days. As a result, we’re commonly approached in public and asked, “Who has the best burger in Gainesville?” The price of fame, I suppose.
But the question isn’t always an easy one to answer. It’s hard to pit the fast food-style burgers of Mac’s and Sandwich Inn against, say, a pub-style burger like those served at Loosey’s or The Top. They’re two completely disparate burger designs. Both fall under the burger genus, but are separate species, taxonomically speaking.
Some GBC members about to eat some burgs.
There is also a certain calculus to our rating system that takes into account a range of considerations in its rubric. We weigh burger : bun ratio, topping relevancy, side items, meat quality, and cheese consistency, among other factors. This is fuckin complicated stuff, man.
So let’s set some of the hard science aside for a moment and take an anecdotal glimpse into how our membership feels about some of our town’s best burger offerings. We’ll also get some insight into regional favorites and world-class burger cuisine from around the globe. Well, maybe that part will be limited to the United States, as most of us are under-traveled, uncultured swine.
Gainesville’s Best Burgers According to GBC
Our members mostly agreed that the burgers that made the favorites list below belong there for myriad reasons. However, one item of import to note is that we are not fuckin’ Yelp here. And we’re definitely not anything like that one guy who “Ate Gainesville,” disparaging nearly every establishment in town and insulting kitchen workers from Williston Road to Turkey Creek in the process. It’s not our aim to badmouth any restaurant in a public forum.
Instead, we’re here to sing praises of the places we think are the bee’s knees. And our members weren’t shy to share their faves.
The Top’s Messi burger.
“My favorite burger spot in Gainesville is the Top,” said GBC Resident Artist Edie Shaub. “The burger is consistently perfect but it’s also combined with a hip atmosphere and usually a great cocktail too. I feel cool when I’m there, and that adds intrinsic value.”
The Top is cool, to be sure, and GBC members are lit af, fam. If you recall, The Top also recently won the inaugural Gainesville Burger Club Mark Morchel Lifetime Acheesement Award – a well-deserved honor.
Chief Wellness Officer Jake Crown is another big fan of The Top.
“My order: the Big Top Burger, add bacon,” Jake said. “Secret sauce adds flavor without taking over. Crispy fries on the side, ice-cold 72 Pale Ale draft. It’s consistent and solid.”
GBC Member-at-Large David Pinner went in a bit different direction. “Right now, I think the title is tied between DJ’s Cast Iron and Goldie’s,” he said.
And I agree with David on DJ’s. That burger comes pretty close to perfection with its flawlessly smashed-and-griddle-crisped patties. In fact, the craftsmen behind the flattop smash them so expertly the result is a razor-thin salty meat lace that exemplifies how the Maillard reaction works.
Mac’s is also a very popular choice among GBC members. It’s a Gainesville institution that’s been pumping out fast food-style masterpieces for decades, so our love of the place makes sense.
A lot of us also agree that one of the best burgers we’ve ever eaten in Gainesville came from GBC Resident Griddleman Brian Grill’s backyard. When his membership was in its infancy, Brian invited the entire GBC Executive Committee over to sample his perfectly executed Oklahoma-style smash burgers. So much pressure on such a new member to perform. But he was definitely up to the task. So salty. So crispy. Onions so sweet. Buns so squishy. Oh, man.
“I agree with adding The Grill’s backyard to the list,” said Liz Rogers, GBC Member Emeritus. “Those burgs were legit restaurant quality.”
All that said, here’s our list of Gainesville greats. They’re in alphabetical order because we want you to visit them all, not just the one at the top of the list!
Big Mill’s
Crybaby’s
Dick Mondell’s
DJ’s Cast Iron
Goldie’s
Loosey’s
Mac’s
New Deal Cafe
Public & General
Relish
Sandwich Inn
The Grill’s Backyard
The Top
Revered Regional Burgers
There are some damn good burgers surrounding the Gainesville city limits that are definitely worthy of note. So we asked our members what some of their favorite burgers were within a few-hundred-mile circumference.
“Tough one, but I think Bev’s in High Springs takes the cake,” David said.
Great minds think alike, and I have to agree with him on this one, too. For me, Bev’s is Americana. It’s the burger stand we all see in our dreams. The offerings there are simple and come as close as possible to the Platonic ideal of burger. Soft, squishy buns, American cheese, LTOP, mustard, mayo, ketchup. They serve up shakes, funnel cake and a host of other offerings to make your mouth water. The High Springs location (there’s one in Alachua, and now Newberry, too) is perfect for grabbing a quick and delicious bite after floating the Itchetucknee or swimming in the area’s many springs.
Toasting a trio of burgers at Bev’s.
Social justice advocate and GBC Member-at-Large Leigh Scott loves Bev’s, too.
“Although, I swear to God it’s been closed the last ten times I’ve tried,” he said. “I think I go out to the springs on days it’s not open.”
And he’s probably right. Sunday is a perfect springs day, and, alas, it’s the only day Bev’s is closed.
I’d also be remiss not to mention Angel’s Dining Car here. In the same vein as Bev’s, Angel’s is the ideal stop on the drive back to Gainesville from the beach. Located right next to the St. Johns river in Palatka, Angel’s claims to be Florida’s oldest diner. And the old Airstream that houses the dining room and counter really back up that statement. The burgers harken back to a simpler time. They’re delicious and platters are served with fries and a few onion rings. The special sauce is a tangy mustard-relish concoction that complements the salty, rich patties. I love that place.
Edie takes us way over to Floribama for her regional favorite. She’s originally from Pensacola, and has a few burger spots in her hometown that she will never forget. Among these is Jerry’s Drive-In.
“Back in the day, Jerry’s was the epitome of a locals only hang out,” Edie said. “There were always old men drinking at the bar and the walls covered with team pennants, nostalgia, and dirty jokes. It’s one of the many great dives in Pensacola.”
According to Edie, the burger is a classic griddle burger with a good crisp.
“Nothing fancy, but it was the best!” she said. “Jerry’s is still open but with new ownership. The place remains essentially with the same old character but it has been spiffed up a bit and in that something was lost. The burger is still good but they should have never cleaned the cooktop.”
She also said that Blue Dot and Tops were other Pensacola locales worth mentioning. Maybe we should coordinate a GBC road trip!
I was unable to obtain a quote from Brian Grill about his regional favorites before this post went live. But that guy had some really good things to say about a Jacksonville joint called Carolina Jax. And I’d trust Brian with my life if it depended on a good burger recommendation. The dude knows his burgs. Just take a gander at the Carolina Jax Instagram feed, and you’ll see some glorious creations coming out of that place.
The Carolina Jax burger.
As a Florida native, I’ve been eating burgers around the state for almost a half century. So I’ve seen some greats come and go. Some of the best that still persist for me are Hollywood’s Le Tub, Ft. Lauderdale’s Jack’s Old Fashioned Hamburgers, and El Cap in St. Pete.
Here are some of our members’ favorite spots across Florida (in alpha order):
Angel’s
Bev’s Better Burger
Blue Dot and Tops
Carolina Jax
El Cap
Flamingo Diner
Jack’s Old Fashioned Cheeseburgers
Jerry’s Drive-In
Le Tub
World-Class Burger Cuisine
Most of our members find their favorite burgers right here in good ol’ Gainesville, Florida. But some of us have found some gems in points far and wide. For me, two stand out as representing some of the best the world has to offer.
About 10 years ago, I stumbled upon a joint in New Orleans called Company Burger. Their namesake burger consists of two thin patties, bread-and-butter pickles, red onions and American cheese. Pretty damn simple, but each component is done perfectly. The bark on the patties is crunchy and salty. The onions are sliced razor thin. And, while I’m more of a dill guy, the B&B pickles add an acidic sweet and sour element that really compliments the other ingredients and brings everything together. Company Burger also boasts a mayonnaise bar, so there’s that, too.
But probably one of the best burgers I’ve ever eaten came from a surprising little hole-in-the-wall place in Seattle last month. FamilyFriend serves up some of the best Guamanian food around. Menu items include the likes of adobo chicken, Langka Kadun Pika rice bowls, kelaguen tostadas, and bowls of to-die-for corn soup. But the highlight on the menu is their Kewpie Burger.
The unassuming Kewpie Burger from FamilyFriend in Seattle.
While other menu items are served-up all fancy, with presentations reminiscent of fine dining restaurants, their smash burger comes on a metal tray wrapped in wax paper. It’s gooey. It’s tangy. It’s salty. It’s fuckin perfectly delectable. Please go there and try it.
Our next couple of world-class faves hail from the Midwest.
“Gonna have to dig deep, but I think there was a Juicy Lucy in Madison, Wisconsin, at an Irish Pub that has never been topped,” said David. “But that was many years ago and I can’t remember the name of the pub!”
But we do know the name of another establishment in the Great Lakes region serving up a famous Juicy Lucy. According to Brian, Matt’s Bar in Minneapolis, Minnesota, is hard to top. It’s Brian’s favorite burger of all time, and that’s really saying a lot.
Jake went with a chain, but it’s a good one.
“My favorite burger anywhere is Five Guys,” he said. “It’s simple and solid with no BS attitude. None of that ‘whiskey-barrel-aged blah, blah, blah’ or unnecessary ingredients. Best fries on earth, too.”
This last choice from Edie is going to raise some eyebrows. I know I was a bit shocked at this selection. But, bear with us here. I think it makes good sense.
“My favorite burger worldwide is consistently McDonald’s,” Edie said. “Not because McDonald’s is so great, but because it’s so familiar and consistent.”
Holy shit! McDonald’s? That was my first reaction, too. I mean, their fries are the gold standard for me. But the burgers? However, Edie’s a world traveler, and her choice here is based on nostalgia and comfort.
“Enjoying local cuisine is one of my favorite things about traveling, so I don’t seek out burgers,” she said. “By the time I’m having a burger while traveling abroad, it’s because I’ve been gone for a while and I just need something familiar. This has been true for me in London, Paris and Tokyo. I was having the best food of my life in Japan, but after 10 days, McDonald’s was a nice break. A palette cleanser of sorts.”
And after all, isn’t comfort what a burger is all about? Eat the burgers that make you feel good and loved. Nestle up to a smash burger platter and think about home, family, friends, and revel in living the good burger life.
I’ve said for quite some time that a burger closest to its Platonic ideal would likely be constructed with a potato roll, two well-seasoned thin griddled patties, American cheese, finely diced onions, dill pickles, and yellow mustard. Doesn’t that sound perfect? Well, it may come as a surprise to learn that people like to put all kinds of other shit on their burgers.
If you were to ask a few random strangers on the street about their thoughts on burger toppings, they’d probably take out the mace and request that you slowly back away, you fuckin’ weirdo.
But if we were to conduct a more scientific study based on survey data and a random sampling of restaurant menus, we may be able to devise a testable hypothesis stating that lettuce, tomato, onion, and pickles (LTOP) are the standard veg to rest between the buns. We’d also likely end up with mayo, ketchup and mustard as the requisite condiments.
Holy Toppings! Look at all that stuff covering the burg! What are your thoughts?
This makes me feel uncomfortable, to be sure. But I can see reasons for the pervasiveness of LTOP. Lettuce adds a crunch. Tomatoes provide a certain sweetness and freshness, onions bring a snap of tang and pungency, and pickles lend the acid component that’s needed to break through the richness of the patty and cheese.
The main gripe I have with toppings is that they can, sometimes, rail against the GBC philosophical assertion that espouses “the whole burger must be something greater than the sum of its parts.” According to the GBC scoring rubric, a good burger eats like a symphony where each movement plays an integral role – but, when placed in the context of the totality, they create a masterpiece that sings to the heavens. Praise burg.
What the Experts Say About Burger Accoutrements
To get to the bottom of the topping debate, we asked our members their thoughts. And, as expected, opinions were all over the culinary map.
GBC Member-at-Large David Pinner said he normally orders his burgers with whatever toppings are included on the menu listing. That way, he is really able to wrap his mind around the chef’s thought processes.
“I’m always trying to figure out what their intent was in the flavor and crunch of a particular burger,” he said.
David is a big fan of lettuce, tomatoes, and dill pickles, which seems to conform to majority consensus. However, he also noted that there are some other toppings that can really make a burger for him.
“A good melting cheese – American is great, but I also like provolone,” David said. “And bacon! I’m also a fan of French-fried onions. They can give the burger a nice crunch.”
GBC Cheesiest Executive Officer Buddy Schaub and Member-at-Large David Pinner sit with other GBC Members contemplating toppings at Big Mill’s.
GBC Artist-in-Residence Edie Schaub diverges from David’s approach and told us she’s not always too keen on accoutrements.
“I only get toppings on certain burgers like Mac’s or Bev’s,” she said. “If I get them, it’s LTO and mayo or special sauce. Good, crisp lettuce adds nice texture and freshness and it works to counterbalance the greasy meat and cheese.”
Edie’s approach is well-thought-out and makes a lot of sense, much like longtime GBC member Jay Hogsette’s.
Jay is a principled man who enjoys the simple pleasures of mustard, pickles, and onions on his burger. And he has sound reasons for this construction preference.
“I normally get just mayo and cheese to get the full flavor of the seared crust of the burger,” Jay said. “But I’ll add the mustard, pickles, and onion to make it a bit stronger and add to the saltiness.”
Buddy Schaub, GBC’s Cheesiest Executive Officer, has a kind of laissez-faire attitude toward condiments.
“I’ll switch it up, sometimes Mayo and Ketchup, sometimes Catsup and Mustard, sometimes just German Mustard,” he said. “It all depends on which way the winds of my taste buds are blowing that day.”
I think the difference between Ketchup and Catsup, as Buddy spelled them respectively, might warrant its own article. But Buddy’s nihilistic, “Dust in the Wind” condiment philosophy seems to have some merit. Even when confronted with the purposeless void, he still maintains a love affair with sweaty onions that gives his life meaning.
“I simply love the complexity that caramelized onions bring to a well salted patty,” he said. “Their sweet juices melding with the salty grease in my mouth like the London Philharmonic.”
Innovation or Idiocy: Over-the-Top Toppings
I’ll say it. Too many restaurants rely on what I’d call stunt toppings to hide inadequate burgers. It’s reminiscent of that famous scene from The Wizard of Oz.
“Pay no attention to that burger patty behind the curtain of pork belly and chorizo!”
The topping relevancy metric in the GBC scoring rubric attempts to hold such monstrosities accountable. But, alas, the document hasn’t gotten the widespread adoption that it commands.
“I hate non-traditional burger toppings like Perogies, Shrimp, or Mac & Cheese,” Edie said. “Those should be separate meals. Perogies are the most ridiculous burger topping.”
GBC Artist-in-Residence Edie Schaub showing off some excessive onion ring action.
After one too many double-tall whiskey and sodas at an expensive steak house, I once ordered a foie gras-topped burger, complete with goat cheese, marinated cherry tomatoes, roasted garlic, and arugula. I mean, considering my level of intoxication, it was pretty damn good. But it was dumb. And at $42? Dumb AF.
Buddy would likely agree with my sentiments on organ meat atop the patty.
“I also don’t like a burger topped with the left ventricle of an elk heart lightly basted in port wine,” he said. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Jay’s also seen some shit. And I must say, I don’t want to know where he’s witnessed such topping madness.
“Hershey’s syrup, Peanut Butter (that’s becoming a trend now), Pineapples,” he said when asked about weird and wacky toppings. I could hear his eyes roll back in his head at his mention of Hershey’s.
David’s actually tried peanut butter on a burger. I think I remember watching an episode of the famous George Motz’s show where he traced the history of such a burger back to 1940s Missouri where it’s called a gooberburger.
“It wasn’t horrible, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to order it again,” David said.
Some GBC members will remember an early meeting when we took a trip to Krispy Kreme to buy buns for our Luther Burgers. Named after the late Luther Vandross, these Frankensteined burgers leverage two glazed donuts for buns. Indulgent? Yes. Unnecessary? Maybe.
“Anything where the bun is not the bun but instead something ridiculous like apple fritters, or two grilled cheeses, or deep fried chicken breasts are strictly off the table for me,” Buddy said. “I like Big Buns and I can not lie!”
So there you have it. Does a Platonic ideal exist? I don’t fuckin’ know. You should ask a philosophy major. But excellent burgers do exist. Top them with what you enjoy, unless it’s Hershey’s syrup. Get outta here with that!
For those that didn’t know him, Mark Morchel was a person of integrity and honor. He lived his life looking out for and loving his family and friends. And, maybe most importantly, he was a true connoisseur, forever seeking the ultimate cheeseburger. Sadly, we lost Mark last year. But we wanted to keep his memory alive for eternity by instituting Gainesville Burger Club’s highest honor: The Mark Morchel Lifetime Acheesement Award.
On April 18th, we gathered to celebrate an institution, a beacon of excellence in the world of burgers. For nearly a quarter of a century, THE TOP has been more than just a restaurant; it’s been a cornerstone of our community, a place where memories are made and burgers are savored.
In a world where trends come and go, where tastes evolve and palates change, there’s something truly remarkable about longevity. It speaks to a commitment, a passion, and an unwavering dedication to one’s craft. And we wanted to honor such commitment.
THE TOP co-owner Hal Mendez pictured with Mark Morchel’s wife Maureen Morchel and daughter Liz Weinbender.
We wanted to bestow the inaugural Mark Morchel Lifetime Acheesement Award to THE TOP because, for over two decades, they have tirelessly pursued perfection in every patty, every bun, and every topping. THE TOP has embraced innovation while staying true to tradition, and the restaurant has set the standard for what it means to craft exceptional burgers.
The Gainesville Burger Club wants this award to serve as a testament to the blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into building this culinary legacy. Let it remind us all of the power of passion and perseverance, and let it inspire us to continue pushing the boundaries of what’s possible in the world of burgers.
So cheers to Mark Morchel – we will remember you forever. And cheers to THE TOP — for decades of excellence and unforgettable flavors, and for all of the years of bringing our community together, one burger at a time.
Gainesville Burger Club Intern Milo Garrity is well-traveled and loves fútbol. So it should be no surprise that the kid’s current favorite burger is the Messi from The Top. Named after the great Argentinian jugador de fútbol, Lionel Andrés Messi, this creation is topped with chorizo, aged provolone, chimichurri, and fried onions. There’s also the option to make it a “Messi a caballo” by adding a fried egg (something I’d recommend, but, alas, Milo doesn’t like those runny yolks).
“I like the beef. I like the chimichurri. I like the crispy onions,” Milo said. “It’s just so good.”
I recently discovered that the Hard Rock Cafe serves the official Messi burger (a nice sponsorship opportunity for the worldwide sports celebrity to be sure), which is a bit different and donned with chorizo, red onions, some kind of “spicy” special sauce, lettuce and tomato. But I’m willing to bet that The Top’s version is much tastier than the commercially produced burger that chain is putting out.
Anyway, I wanted to see if I could create my own version of the Messi burger and serve it up to Milo to judge its merits. Here’s how I did it.
Step 1: Make the Chimichurri
Making the chimichurri first allows the concoction time to marry together while you prep and cook the other components of the dish. You’ll need:
Two bunches of cilantro
Three garlic cloves
½ Cup olive oil
2.5 Oz Lime juice
Crushed red pepper flakes (to taste)
Salt (to taste)
Wash the cilantro, peel the garlic and throw it into a blender or food processor with the lime juice red pepper flakes and salt. Puree the ingredients while slowly pouring the olive oil in. Depending on how much cilantro was in your bunches, you may need more or less oil to reach the desired consistency.
Put this green goodness into the fridge and grab a beer to drink while you move through the next steps.
Step 2: Fry the Onions
The fried onion sticks and chimichurri are what really make this burger shine. Some kind of sorcery seems to be at play when the crispy onions meet the creamy, bright, and herbaceous sauce. So frying the onions right is pretty damn important. But don’t fret. It’s pretty fuckin simple. You’ll need:
1 Yellow onion
1 cup All purpose flour
Salt
Canola, vegetable, or another oil with a high smoke point
First, slice the onion into rings or sticks as thin as you can possibly get them. If you have a slicer, fuck you. I’m jealous. But you should use that. If not, use a knife like the rest of us plebes. Remember, these aren’t the type of onion rings you’re getting as an appetizer. These are those super thin fried onion sticks akin to those you find in a can in the dry goods section of the grocery store. But we’re making our own because we are fancy AF.
Now toss a bit of salt on those onion slices. Put your flour into a large bowl or a plastic gallon Ziplock bag and throw those salted onions in, too. Toss until they’re coated.
Heat up that oil and flick a speck of water in. If it sizzles and disappears, the oil is ready. Grab a handful of the coated onions, shake off the excess flour and place them gently into the grease. Fry those puppies until they’re golden and crispy with no recognizable rawness left on the onions.
Drain on paper towels or a cooling rack and set aside until you’re ready to assemble.
Step 3: Make the Special Sauce
This is the ultimate eyeball sauce. There are no rules. Make it as spicy as you’d like. Or as bright or creamy as you see fit. Stop asking me to do everything for you! But you will need:
Mayo
Sriracha
Lime juice
Salt
Pepper
Garlic Powder
Mix some combination of those ingredients together and you probably can’t go wrong. This is your chance to experiment. It’s your special sauce. It’s your special purpose.
Step 4: Cook the Burger and Assemble
OK, home stretch. I used eight-ounce patties with a 70:30 ratio of lean to fat for my version of the Messi. Generously salt those bad boys and throw them into a cast iron pan or skillet or onto a flattop or even a grill if that’s your thing. Cook those babies until a crusty bark develops on each side. Throw some provolone cheese on ‘em and melt that shit.
I normally don’t like to mention name brands, and I swear I’m not sponsored by them, but Martin’s Potato Rolls are the shit. So throw a Martin’s crown and heel into your pan/flattop/grill and get it all nice and toasty.
And now for assembly. Apply a generous amount of special sauce to the heel. On top of that, add some dill pickle chips and some shredded iceberg lettuce. Then slap on your burger patty (or patties!). Sprinkle your fried onions over the patty like manna from heaven, and then make it rain with chimichurri sauce. Don’t be shy with these last two ingredients. Again, they make this burger what it is. Finally, top that baby with the crown of the bun and enjoy!
So, how did mine stack up to The Top’s Messi burger?
According to GBC Intern Milo, “No comment.”
I guess this kid wants to keep his internship and future job prospects safe.
French fries have long been known as the quintessential burger side. And for good reason. Those little sticks of potatoey goodness offer the perfect vehicles to sop up the special sauce and runoff dripping from that juicy double-double. Other potential candidates (broccoli, I’m looking at you) just don’t seem to have the same appeal. The portability of fries make them a pragmatic choice. They’re also just fucking good. Really fucking good.
There aren’t many pleasures in life that can match seeing an order of fries lifted steaming hot and fresh out of the oil and then popping one of those expertly salted beauties into your mouth. The burns on your tongue are worth the ecstasy. Think fluffy on the inside and golden, crispy, and delicious on the outside. Hallelujah! Praise be! Under Burg’s eye!
French fries have evolved and transformed over millennia and today have separated into a number of unique species. In the modern era, our taxonomic categorization of fried potatoes gives us shoestring (fast food-style), crinkle cut, steak, waffle, curly, wedges, tater tots, sweet potato, homefries, and potato chips (or crisps for our UK-based readers). And this list isn’t exhaustive, I’m sure.
Each of these variations finds a niche within the world’s culinarily diverse burger cultures. And while many prefer one variety over the others, it’s probably safe to say that most appreciate all forms of fried potato. (Except sweet potato fries. Their inventor belongs in the ninth circle of hell.)
We recently surveyed the Gainesville Burger Club membership, and the results on French fry preference were conclusive. The majority – 42% to be exact – preferred fast food-style shoestring fries over all varietals. Let’s take a look at some of the comments and results garnered from our scientific paper.
As GBC Artist-in-Residence Edie Schaub said, “Frites à la française s’il vous plaît.” (If you don’t speak French, use Google Translate, you barbarian!)
Livin’ on a Shoestring*
Bunny ears, bunny ears, playing by a tree… How did that old rhyme go that teaches kids how to tie their kicks? Doesn’t matter – we’re talking about shoestring fries. These babies are the stuff of fast food dreams. As the name implies, the fries are as slender as shoestrings but are much tastier than your laces.
“Different fries complement different dishes, but I think as an accompaniment to burgers, shoestring fries are best,” said Gainesville Burger Club Member-At-Large Jud Philpot.
In their ideal form, shoestring fries are some of the crispiest in the business but maintain the billowy starchy interior of a much larger fried potato.
It’s hard to say, but do you know that large burger chain that claims billions upon billions served? (I’m not naming it!) Well, many see its shoestring fries as representing the gold standard of fried potato. And I must (begrudgingly) agree. On the right day, at the right hour (and maybe the stars align and the ice cream machine is in working order, too), the fries coming out of that Scottish restaurant are just so damned perfect. The Platonic ideal of fry. But many other establishments are doing the shoestring justice these days, too.
“Shoestring are French fry chopsticks, and I’m all for it,” said GBC Chief Wellness Officer Jake Crown.
More Classic Cuts: Crinkle, Steak, and Waffle
Man, I’ve heard a lot of hate directed at crinkle cut fries over the years. People have described them to me as being “low rent,” or given me a “lolz, crinklz” upon their mention. Maybe this is because of some childhood trauma associated with the cut they’ve experienced. I mean, most of us have been served cold, soggy crinkle cut fries on our school cafeteria lunch trays. That’s enough to put one off the crinks for good.
“I like shoestring from McDonald’s (he named it!) but that’s about it,” said GBC member and Van Halen enthusiast Jay Hogsette. “At Culver’s or cooking at home, I always get crinkle cut.”
But these ridged wonders have some surprises in their folds. When properly fried to GBD (golden, brown, and delicious), the crinkles provide a toothsome textural experience.
“I went with crinkle,” said GBC Legal Counsel Mark Morchel. “Long as a ring finger with a good fry-to-fluff ratio.”
And talk about holding onto dipping sauces. Like a good rigatoni grabs a bolognese, the crinkles trap ketchup, mayo, ranch, burger juice, et al, with striking efficiency.
“Crinkle rules for holding your choice of condiment, and all those lil folds get so crispy!” said GBC Pastry Chef Nicki Weaver.
But Mike Salay, GBC Secretary of Tattoo, disagreed about crinkle’s condiment adhering performance, saying, “Steak fries are potato spoons.”
Cut thick like a cowboy ribeye, steak fries present a robust and satisfying option. These babies are most commonly found in Jewish delicatessens. Some of the best I’ve had were alongside a hot plate of pastrami at Katz’s in NYC. Piled high and starchy AF, steak fries could even be a meal by themselves. But how are they when accompanying a burger? They’re fried potatoes. They’ll work, but you’re gonna need to adjust your belt!
Leggo my… Stopping there to avoid copyright infringement. Some people really fucking love waffle fries and will fall on swords defending their royal status. Waffle fries are known for their distinctive grid pattern, which creates a surprisingly light and airy texture when dipped into and retrieved from hot oil.
GBC Events Planner Stef Jones had a surprising take on the fries with her nod to skateboard culture.
“Waffle,” she said. “Cos they are the Vans stamp of French fries!”
There’s a lot of surface area on these bad boys, and that means a crispy canvas to paint with salt and pepper and spatter with your favorite sauce.
The Fryer Less Traveled: Curly Fries, Wedges, Tater Tots
OMG, curly fries are so fun and whimsical. The playful corkscrews deliver a twist on this traditional burger side. Often referred to as curls, these spiraling wonders are reminiscent of twirling waterslides leading into pools of ketchup. They are the things of state fairs and music festivals and make great partners for burgers and funnel cakes alike.
In the late 1990s, many then young and spry GBC members found employment at a local establishment called Cafe Gardens, and one of the highlights on the menu were wedges. There, the crispy potato sections were made by baking a bunch of potatoes during the prep shift and cooling them in the walk-in prior to service. Once a ticket emerged with an order, a line cook would cut 1.5 of those baked beauts into wedge shapes, dunk them into the fryer until they were gold and hella crispy, and stick them in a basket with a side of sour cream-based dill dip. Oh là là. C’est magnifique! (Google Translate, you uncultured swine!) These ain’t your grandma’s steak fries. But not everyone agrees that wedges are a good option.
“Steak fries? Just order a baked potato,” said Mark Morchel, Esq. “And wedges are like steak fries with the skin.”
In recent years, tater tots seem to have made a comeback and now make appearances on burger joint menus everywhere. For a long time, tater tots may have had similar issues as crinkle cuts. There’s nothing worse than a soggy, undercooked tot, man. Total garbage. But when they’re crispy, look the fuck out. These motherfuckers can elevate a meal and, sometimes, even become its star.
Sweet potato fries are trash, and I don’t even want to talk about them. Mark Morchel, Esq., may have said it best:
“Sweet potato fries are an interloper on this list. Soggy. Taste like soil. Rarely fried. Never crispy.”
Homefries seem like a strange choice to accompany a burger. However, some years back, we gave the GBC Burger of the Year™ trophy to an establishment that fried up some of the best of these breakfast staples alongside its award-winning burger. These cubes of potato were so goddamn crispy and sprinkled with a generous amount of coarse kosher salt, and it worked! Super good.
Potato chips? Sure, they’re OK in a pinch. Like a picnic or backyard BBQ. But, really, they seem like kind of a cop out if you have frying capabilities.
So, Do You Want Fries With That?
Oui. Duh.
*To clear up confusion, it’s important to note here that shoestring fries are not the dry-ass potato sticks that come in a can in the dry goods section of the grocery store!)
Gainesville Burger Club 